The Dating Diaries

RANDY, DICK AND WOODY, I don’t believe you want to be my friend 🍆🫣😉

When I first joined Dating Apps, I was buzzing with hope and curiosity. Maybe the next match would be him. That little dopamine hit kept me swiping sometimes for hours.

Then came the compliments. “You're stunning.” “Beautiful smile.” My ego lapped it up. Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.

And then the FOMO kicked in. What if I missed the one because I took a break to, I don’t know… have a life?

Fast forward four or so years and here’s where I’m at. 😆😆😆

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Just when I thought dating apps couldn't get worse RANDY, DICK, and WOODY keep messaging me ‘I want to be your friend’ and no, they don’t actually mean it, trust me! Welcome to Facebook Dating, part two of my ongoing Dating App Hell.

After the disaster that was Dating Story Number 12, I went into full invisible mode on Bumble, but eventually thought, sod it, and gave it another go.

Then there was Monty.

Fifty-two, lives 26 miles outside London, and had a profile that said absolutely nothing. No bio, no prompts, just five random photos, including one where I think he’s with his dad, and another where he’s scowling in what might be a caravan.

Big, tall, overweight, and hairy, basically my type. So of course I matched. Obviously.

We had a little chat where he told me I looked lovely and said he wanted to get to know me.

Then - nothing.
Gone.
Ghosted like a wimpy little spirit who couldn’t even rattle a chain round his skinny little ankle.

My reaction? somewhere between wanting to give him what for , a lesson or maybe even a TED talk on dating etiquette and manners.

But in all reality, I barely flinched. I’ve built up such a tough ghosting resistance, you could flick me with a thousand Monty’s and I wouldn’t even twitch.

I just waited my standard 72 hours (out of politeness and just in case he had that emergency) and unmatched that hairy bad boy quick.

Right now, I can’t see anyone I want to match with, although I’ve not yet worked through the 260+ likes I’ve accumulated since reopening Bumble a few days ago. 😱

Instead, because I’m a dating masochist, I decided to reopen Facebook Dating for a nice little change.

By now, I’m pretty sure I won’t meet my man on a dating app. But my therapist’s voice keeps ringing in my ears ‘It only takes one, Francis.’ And she’s right, so I plough on…

Now lovely readers let me give you a little taster of what I’m dealing with as I browse through Facebook Dating. If you’ve read Dating App Hell – this is basically Part Two (sort of!)

The Flatterers leave me little messages like this

"Nice lips." 🫦
"You have lovely eyes." 👀
"I love your smile." 😁
"You’re so pretty." 😏
"Hi babes, Micky is waiting for you." Don’t hold your breath Micky.
"Hi, are you real?" No, I’m a f**king hallucination, Sid...
"You’re super sexy, baby. I wanna love ya. Baby, where do you live, baby?" Oh do one, Cecil.
"Age isn’t a factor for me. Do you date younger bulls?" OMG, who calls themselves a bull?!

And then there’s 38-year-old Diego - “You are to my type, with that beautiful smile, your eyes are very capturing it would be nice to chat, Ps I do like your lips” Ah, Diego. I think you meant captivating, but we’ll let that slide. My eyes are “capturing” all right , mainly my eyelids. At 54 what exactly does a 38-year-old want with me? Apart from the obvious!! 😉

The Chancers

A porn star who owns a porn company. He shows a pic of himself holding an AK-404 rifle…😉 in the desert! (Facebook, is that even allowed?)

Plus, lots of pics taken with porn star-looking women, obviously with his arm around them. He hasn’t got long to live, no really, he says so in his profile. 😮

The Friends

What is this new feature in Facebook Dating? I feel like I’m being totally tricked here!
I’ve had about 50 messages saying,
“I want to be your friend.”
Well, I’m sorry, RANDY, DICK AND WOODY, I don’t believe you want to be my friend. 🍆It’s a SCAM , I know…..

(Can you blame me, with my history?)

Men Seeking:

• “High sex drive, looking for same.” Good for you.

• “Intimacy without commitment.” The buzz phrase of 2025. Why?

• “Looking for something casual.” Ok, but forever?

• “No drama.” Oh please. Don’t get me started.

Names

I refuse to match with a man that calls himself ‘The French Touch’

Smells

OK, this is weird, I’ve developed this thing where I can SMELL the guy through the screen, I need to address the SIDE EFFECTS of Dating App Trauma. Most common smells.

• Farts masked by Lynx Africa

• Sweaty socks

• Tuna sandwiches

• Halitosis

• BO masked by Lynx Africa

Its rare to smell , cut grass, freshly laundered sheets, Dior Sauvage.

Photos

If I was going to start a new business and leave adult social work, it would be a Dating App Photo Consultancy for men.

If men were really serious about meeting the love of their life and having a long-term relationship, and in order to maximise their matching potential and enhance their chance of meeting someone, I think they would pay me.

But for now, I will give my services for free, you’re welcome. 😉

• Men don’t put a big yellow smiley face emoji on your profiles holding handcuffs and skimpy little knickers and bras. It’s just plain SICK? WTF…is wrong with you 😆

• No hairy torso, hand-down-your-pants pictures. Don’t do it. EVER.

• A man who looks like he’s doing a shit (I am guessing he is weightlifting, but you can’t see any weights). So I am not entirely sure. (Men, show what you are holding / doing) or maybe not………🫣

• A very close-up of a very hairy body, naked on the sofa, head cropped off, covering most of his bits by leaning over them, but I can still see the shaft of his willy. (Can’t believe I just said the word shaft – that’s almost as bad as moist. Ewwww…).

• I don’t want to see you lying on a beach in skimpy pants so I can see up the crease to your knackers (aka balls).

• A topless man, bandana tied very TIGHT across his head, holding, wait for it… now this is going to turn some ladies on (NOT) a Shark PowerFins cordless hoover.

• Men STOP looking down at the camera! There are a million and one pictures like this, we don’t want to see your hairy nostrils. Or worse a bogey. 🤮🤢🤮

Of course, all my photos are perfect… ahem cough cough.

Wish me luck, only 500+ likes to sort through.

Now over to you; If you could give one piece of dating app advice to men (or women!), what would it be?

What’s the weirdest or funniest dating app message you’ve ever received? Spill the tea!

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Thanks to everyone who read last week’s post, Au-Pair in America It did way better than I expected, though my dating stories are still by far the most popular! 🫣😁

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