Floodlighting - aka Trauma Dumping

The New Toxic Dating Trend

Photo by Alina on Unsplash

Firstly, thank you to everyone who read last week’s post, Confessions of a Substacker. It’s comforting to know so many of us share that little Substack monster inside us. 😂

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I had the pleasure of meeting three fellow Substackers in Kings Cross last week. It honestly felt like we were meeting celebrities! 🤣🤗It was so much fun, I absolutely loved it. In fact, I loved it so much, I’ve decided to organise a Substackers meet-up in London soon. I’ll post details on Notes for anyone who’s interested. Watch this space.

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Floodlighting

Every date I’ve had in the last six years has been a bit odd, you may know if you have read them. This is usually how it goes, hello nice to meet you, kiss on the cheek, small pleasantries out of the way. Glass of wine in hand, a couple of sips and bam!

Within minutes, (sometimes a little longer) I know their childhood trauma, past betrayals, and deepest insecurities, are we having a therapy session or a date ?

Welcome to the world of floodlighting, aka trauma dumping, the toxic dating trend I did not know about.

Floodlighting is when someone you’ve just met overshares a lot of potentially traumatic information all at once.

In her TED Talks; The Power of Vulnerability, Brené Brown, author, psychologist, and former social worker (like me),states, true vulnerability should be shared with people who have earned the right to hear our stories, rather than using oversharing as a way to fast-track connection.

However, all I ever seem to meet is Floodlighters!

I absorb their trauma like a sponge, (I’m an empath). Sometimes I’ve wondered if I have emotional synesthesia¹ if I see someone cry in a documentary or on the news I don’t just feel sympathy I feel their sadness inside of me. (ok, its weird, but you get the gist).

I used to think it was just my background in social work, that I had a presence that made people feel comfortable opening up. I truly believed that.

But now, I’m not so sure.

Brené Brown explains that floodlighting is a tactic, whether intentional or not, it’s used to speed up intimacy or test whether someone can handle your deeper struggles.

However, it ends up overwhelming the other person.

And yet, I’ve found myself on the receiving end of floodlighting more times than I can count.

Take Mike, for example. We met on a sunny day at a bar for a meal and drinks. Before our starters had even arrived, he had already laid out his entire childhood trauma story. It was harrowing, and I went to bed that night feeling utterly terrible for him. If floodlighting is meant to create a sense of closeness, it did.

Then there was Paul, the ex-homeless man. Just as I was getting comfortable in my seat, he was diving into his story about an abusive relationship that led to years of alcoholism, depression and homelessness. Oh, and then came his childhood neglect and the subsequent disorders.

And let’s not forget Simon. I hadn’t even met him yet, and he unloaded his entire life story, how he’d lived in squats, taken hardcore drugs, that lead to an ongoing addiction to weed , and spent his life attending protests (for what, I never quite figured out).

He disappeared and reappeared more times than Houdini. I never actually met him in real life, when he asked, I said no. The trauma dumping happened solely online.

And of course, there’s ‘Bum Recovery Buddy’ Dating Story #10

Enough said!

So what’s really going on here? Why am I attracting floodlighters left, right, and centre? Maybe it’s because I show compassion and emotional availability, I am a very open person after all.

I’ve been feeling dating app fatigue for a while now, and being floodlighted like this only adds to the exhaustion. It’s repetitive, and at times, completely soul-sucking. I wrote more about it in one of my most-read posts, Dating App Hell; A Modern Nightmare – If Paloma Faith can’t meet anyone, what chance do I have?

(in case you missed it). 😉

But am I also validating their behaviour by giving them the reassurance they so desperately seek? I was once told by a friend I’m a rescuer , (feeling the need to save other’s) I’m not so sure, but maybe?

So, are the floodlighters I am meeting, using it as a manipulation tactic?

I can’t help thinking back to the book The Game, remember that one? It was a bestseller in 2005 and became one of the most controversial dating books ever written.

Some of the men I've met through dating apps have honestly made me wonder if they've read The Game and are actually using its manipulation tactics. (I kid you not.)

Written by American journalist Neil Strauss, The Game documents his time infiltrating an underground world of so-called “pick-up artists” (PUAs), men who study psychological tricks and manipulation tactics to seduce women.

It’s said that Strauss went from a shy, nerdy writer to one of the top pick-up artists in the world. He even lived in a ‘pickup mansion,’ coaching other men on how to seduce women.

Today modern coaches focus more on self-improvement and confidence rather than manipulation, two of my favourites are Paul Brunson and Matthew Hussey. 😜

Now let’s go back to the ’90s. Remember the book The Rules? Another bestseller, and again, very controversial. It told women that the key to finding a man was playing hard to get.

I never read the book and was never interested, but a bit like Freudian terminology, it’s filtered through the generations. How many times do you hear women say things like, Don’t be too keen, Don’t chase, Don’t send the first text, Never initiate the first contact?

That all comes from The Rules!

It states that women should end phone calls and dates first, as it keeps him wanting more. It’s actually the opposite of floodlighting. The Rules tells a woman to be mysterious, to never reveal too much about yourself, so he feels like he has to work you out.

Women were told never to accept a Saturday‑night date if he asks after Wednesday (I’d take a date any night, wishful thinking!) 😂 The idea is if he truly likes you, he’ll plan ahead. It teaches women to be demure, let him lead the relationship, and pretend not to care too much about him.

It’s not in my nature, and never will be, to play these kinds of games with anyone. But have they been played on me? Whether intentional or not, I’ve started to wonder. One thing's for sure, I’ll be more wary of the next guy who floodlights me.

My recent dating history has made it pretty clear, things have never worked out with someone who floodlights.

Brené says connection can’t be fast-tracked, it needs solid ground beneath it to flourish and grow.

“Floodlighting is not vulnerability. Floodlighting is not about connection. It's a desperate call for attention that often results in disconnection, distrust, and disengagement”²

So, the next time someone shares something deeply personal with you a little too soon on a first date, pause. Be kind, but stay aware. It might be a red flag. And recognising it early could save you from confusion and hurt in the long run. 💖

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1. Internally feels another persons emotions so vividly.

2. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly.